Jan 02 2009
Friday - Ask Madame Know-It-All
And, now for a little lightheartedness. It’s time for Ask Madam Know-It-All!
I know, after a week of the deep thoughts of “Ask the Rocket Scientist” and the dire predictions of “Ask the Tarot Queen”, perhaps a little levity is in order. And even if it’s not, today I’m wearing my “Madame Know-It-All” hat and I think it is.
What is a Know-It-All? Well, sheesh, you know what a know-it-all is; it’s someone who believes they’re an authority on everything and can answer any question on any subject. Don’t be expecting a whole lot of citations and links on these answers, buddy, unless providing them looks like showing off and then I’ll put ‘em in.
You want history, well, I got it. And, if you’re looking for exact and accurate history, you’re in the wrong spot. You want psychology, man, I’m there for you. I can tell you your problems and their solutions in 200 words or less. It’s what I DO. Dr. Phil ain’t got nothin’ on me and I won’t charge you a dime. How about handy household tips? I’ve got them, though you’d best not use them on priceless heirlooms, if you get my meaning. Child-rearing, carpentry, horticulture, haute cuisine, I have got it covered and in spades.
A know-it-all, like myself, can tell you what you should do and how you should do it, what you’re doing wrong, what something is and what it means. Sort of like a teenager but with a better vocabulary and fewer hormones. There’s no experience you’ve ever had that a know-it-all can’t top. There’s no obscure question she can’t dredge up an answer to.
Think Cliff from Cheers (and if you’re too young to remember that show, I’ve got some extra snark for you) and let me have it. Damn, I love a challenge!
And don’t forget to vote so you get a say in who I am NEXT WEEK!
Wah Haupen, seems like we went to sleep for some 36 years after Apollo 17. I know we have sent rovers and shuttles and ISSs but really we should have been on Mars by now. Do you see us returning to the Moon? what is in your crystal ball?
This is what happens when you put men in charge. Sure, they can do something remarkable in a ridiculously short period of time when everybody’s looking, but turn off the cameras and they’re sitting on the couch with the remote. If you want something to work indefinitely, if you have to juggle diverse tasks without dropping any balls, if you have to balance a ridiculous budget compared to completely unreasonable demands, or if you want get someone to sound like she’s listening to people in charge who have no idea what we actually need (like the politicos in charge) while actually doing the right thing, who better than a woman? And how many women have we had in charge of NASA?
*The Rocket Scientist would like state that she has had no input to this particular answer.
By the way, Bob, of course we’ll return to the moon and this time we’ll bring some brooms. If women had been in charge, we would have expected a bit of dust.
Bob, did you VOTE? *Gasp*
Lol,lol, hey I think I got tears with this answer, good tears, I can barely see what I’m typing, geez I’m voting now.I totally agree, if you guys and by that I mean females were in charge we be having anti matter warp drive by now, and a lot less wars, good answer.
I keep the antimatter warp drive in the laundry room. That way I can take care of my husband’s holey underwear and he never knows the difference.
(Husband cutting in here: I stopped wearing underwear. I wonder when she’ll notice)
Lol, man you guys kill me, again, in a good way,lol.
You DO know you’ve got a bit of competition, right?
Anyway, what’s your theory on Dino-Wars? My husband and I were discussing this recently. Humans will no doubt leave behind some history when we’ve become extinct, but sadly, the dinosaurs didn’t. Do you think the dinosaurs engaged in warfare?
JD, for shame! You want to compare me to a Mr. Know-It-All? *Hyperventilates* This is a man using a magic eightball and an ancient computer? Are you MAD? Oh, well. *Pats your head* People do make mistakes. There will always be imitations, my dear. No sense worrying about it.
The problem with looking at facts for data on dinosaurs is that so many paleontologists are looking for unimportant facts, such as the size of the brain, to evaluate behavior. In order to assess behavior, particularly violent behavior, one really needs to assess something that rarely available to modern scientists: genital size for male critters. The question is how much testosterone in comparison to the brain? If they had big brains but little testosterone, they probably sat around in their underwear making webvideos of pranks they pulled on their buddies. If the opposite, oh, yes, they were warring - IF the males were in charge.
Personally, I’m of the opinion that female dinosaurs dominated during that time and what really killed them off was not violence or natural disasters but a huge shoe sale at DinoMart where the cutest set of mammal-skin pumps, in fuscia, were so hotly contested that all the female dinosaurs were either killed in the fracas or died of embarassment that they had no cute shoes [the pumps were an unfortunate casualty]. No female dinosaurs - no future for dinosaurs.
Ok, my questions is this, it relates to the book of revelations in the bible, as expanded upon and fictionalized in the book series “Left Behind”.
Wondering what your thoughts are on whether we are approaching “the end of times”, “the rapture”.
I personally don’t follow the author’s additional writings via newsletters and other books, but if you are unfamiliar check out:
http://www.leftbehind.com/ and http://www.leftbehind.com/02_end_times/.
But I’m sure that because you are the resident authority on EVERYTHING, you will be able to answer off the cuff.
So, let’s have it, are we approaching “the end of times”, “the rapture”?
And bonus question, if you have read the series, who do you think our real life Nicolae Carpathia is?
I just posted something and poof it’s gone, no “comment is waiting for moderation” message. Poof. Dang it was good too.
Thank you, Madame Know-it-All! (and I wouldn’t be too quick to dismiss Mr. Know-it-All — he does have that charming Bullwinkle cartoon, after all!)
Now I can tell my husband about the brain to testosterone ratio and sound smart for once. I don’t know if he’ll buy the shoe sale theory, tho.
And, HEY! You can’t pat my head unless you’re older than me!
Oh, Lola, darling, you missed it. The rapture was in 1994. 12 people disappeared. It was beautiful to behold, believe me. I stayed back, voluntarily of course, to help those less enlightened. He said he wasn’t coming back until we had learned to play together nicely and cleaned up after ourselves.
“I’m not letting you folks in heaven if you’re going to keep killing off nature and filling the air with pollutants. Learn some friggin’ responsibility,” or something like that.
I could be making that up, of course, but that opinion is no less valid than the many doomsayers who indicate that the inevitability of our own irresponsibility means the world is coming to an end. Personally, I think it’s a largely an excuse for people to push off responsibility to the next generation instead of facing up to their own actions. I mean, how self-serving is a concept where we screw our planet up and cause great hate and discontent among ourselves and then get beamed up to heaven (the righteous ones, mind you, who are generally the ones causing the trouble, not the good ones)?
Economic crisis? Well, it was inevitable. Since we’re all about to die, we’ll leave it for our children to struggle through and help ourselves to more excess in the mean time. Natural disasters as a result of our thoughtless waste? It was preordained. No sense worrying about it. The second coming will save US (but not those other poor slobs who will clean up after us).
You know what I think, in nature, what you do has repercussions and I see no reason for God to reward selfish self-indulgence with an eternity of leisurely joy (while the “heathens” who have done almost nothing to make the mess are left here for their sinfulness to clean up). Perhaps the smug self-righteous see that as their just reward. I won’t be betting on it.
If you’re expecting a rapture, set your clock for sometime after we’ve shown some responsibility and start treating people with the brotherly love that’s at the core of every religion before the hatemongers get hold of it.
I don’t know who “our real life Nicolae Carpathia” is or if he exists, but, if he is, chances are he’s fully ordained and preaching his line of hatred and bile under the auspices of “God”. And, no, I haven’t read the series. But I sure as heck can think.
I love the series, but truly only for the entertainment value, though it does make me think when I hear about the things going on in the Middle East.
You’ve got Carpathia exactly right.
Thanks for the enlightened post!
JD, I’ve seen you’re picture. I think I AM older than you are. I will give Mr. Know-It-All snaps for his choice in cartoon representation. I am, sadly, graphically challenged. And I know it.
Lola, it’s always gratifying to find a happy customer.
Your really lost me on this one, but I’m an english major– and therefore know absolutely everything:
“Well, sheesh, you know what a know-it-all is; it’s someone who believes their an authority on everything and can answer any question on any subject.”
Should read:
“Well, sheesh, you know what a know-it-all is; it’s someone who believes they’re an authority on everything and can answer any question on any subject.”
It’s a common mistake: their is possessive (as in their authority), but when used in this sentence, it should be “they’re (as in they are).
Hey Madame Know-It-All
What’s the best way to thank someone that did me a huge favour by recording her and her kid singing silly songs for my homework assignment?
I really DO appreciate it!! Got any bright ideas?
flit
grammernazi,
You’re absolutely right and, of course, I knew that but my miserable excuse for a typist did not. I have, of course, had it corrected and have had the typist whipped without mercy and forced her to extend her feet to ducks for nibbling for her transgression. Feel free to pile other abuse as necessary. I’m sure she has committed many other egregious errors in the article and in the responses. Really beating it too good for her.
Please accept my apologies for her error. And don’t hesitate if you have any actual questions.
I have a wee one myself. Isn’t “grammar” generally spelled with two a’s? It is in my dictionary.
Dear Madam Know it All,
I wish to know why I’m addicted to blogs and blogging.
Gratefully yours,
Blogomaniac
Well, flit,
If you were any kind of friend, you could (a) answer her computer questions day and night despite the fact you have a life, you’re getting your graduate degree and teach besides, (b) you could make sure no article, post or blog of hers ever goes unnoticed (and also those of her husband and daughter) despite running four blogs of your own and keeping up with all your other friends, (c) you could read her fiction which is filled with blood, gore and violence which you normally detest and be all supportive and find things you like in it, even have a vague contact you know in the publishing business read it (which they didn’t but that’s not your fault), (d) you could send a book you’d think her daughter would like to the teenage daughter unasked and for gratis, (e) you could create a forum and other useful pages on her website that she had for two years without her doing anything useful with it and, (f) (did I mention the fact that you were living, blogging, a newlywed, going to grad school and teaching?) you could be there as a friend any time you’re needed.
Or, you could just say thank you. And maybe gush a little.
Dear chat blanc,
Because of hilarious content, of course, which why I don’t miss your blog either. Ever. Blogging (assiduously enough you don’t eat) also does not cause one to put on weight nor does it cause hives or anal leakage. It introduces you to strange new people with interests both different and like your own. Many people also make pennies a day!
And it keeps life from being too predictable.
This is quite informative.
I’m hoping you know the answer to a burning question: why is it that the very minute I change the cat litter (not just clean the box, but change the whole shebang, which I do once a week, wearing gloves, holding my breath, and praying to the unmerciful God who left me behind in the 1994 Rapture) the cats immediately go in there and crap? Are they saving it up? Is there something about fresh cat litter that causes their little tumtums to digest more quickly? Do they hate me? What? What is it?
And why the hell is one of my verification “words” 106 1/2? I’m not even kidding.
Dear Baron,
The answer is the same as why my son, whenever I change the toilet paper, decides to remove every single sheet and dump it in the toilet, but, if there’s only a small bit on the roll, he’ll forgo it entirely. Cats love to be in control. They are also quite fastidious (not an issue with my son). So, as soon as the litter box becomes even the slightest bit rank, they start holding it. It becomes a battle of wills. Will the decay and malodorous litter cause you to clean it before they explode or will they cave and use it, losing their chance to show you up.
Sorry, Baron, they’re winning, but be grateful. A dirty litterbox is far better to clean than an exploded kitty.
To answer your other question, because you’re special, Baron, very very special. And I know you’re not kidding.
It’s past midnight. Why aren’t my children sleeping? Am I doing something wrong?
Where did my comment go?
Aniko, it’s long past midnight. Why aren’t YOU sleeping? Or are you trying to sleep and they’re keeping you?
No, I didn’t think so. If they aren’t getting up early and you want them to go to sleep so you can do whatever in peace, it’s a safe bet they’ll mess that up. Children are notoriously contrary. It’s how they learn their limits.
But, you’re in luck because you have two children so the problem isn’t insoluble. Tell the children that the last one to go to sleep will have to do some unpleasant task tomorrow. I don’t know if it will immediately put them to sleep, but chances are, they will both be pretending shortly. Pretending to sleep is a great way for a child to achieve sleep’s actuality.
On that note, I’m off to bed myself, but I’ll still be answering in the morning.
Aniko, it was moderated. Now, it’s not.
Why is the time stamp 4:52 AM 01/04/09 for your last comment when it’s only 3:10 am 01/04/09… and WHY are we still up and posting at this hour??
It was only slightly past midnight here…
And I believe they’re supposed to go to sleep before me or something.
So if they’re both pretending successfully, how will I know which one should do the unpleasant task?
Kathleen, I used to believe that the time stamp was a reflection on where the home server was located, which might indicate, for example, that the server for this blog was on the west coast instead of in the central time zone where I am, but given the crazy times I’ve seen on some blogs, I’m increasingly of the opinion that many of the blogs/servers/databases assign times in a random-type manner to confuse the unwary since I’ll often see times on some posts where one time is clearly in advance of the previous post and, even more clearly, neither time provided has anything to do with the poster’s location.
As for why I was still up and posting, in my case, my idiot typists couldn’t sleep because she let herself get used to vacation (which ends tomorrow) and couldn’t get to sleep before 3 am. Naturally, the ungrateful wretch woke me up so now my own schedule is disturbed. I presume you are having a similar problem returning to a decent schedule or, if you prefer, you can blame your insomnia on someone else, as I have done.
Aniko, many’s the time I’ve gone to sleep before my children. An excellent way to break them of staying up past your own bedtime is to rouse them way early in the morning (several days in a row if need be) and refuse to let them go back to bed. In my son’s case, being roused early even one time will usually send him to bed voluntarily at 7 the next night.
Stephanie, I’ve seen your Facebook page, and I KNOW I’m older than you! (Unless your Facebook page is a lie, which I refuse to believe).
AND! I voted! The poll widget probably was there the whole time, but I was looking for it in the post, not the sidebar. *smacks head.*
Well, JD, you must have one of those paintings in your house that stores your wrinkles and gray hair so you don’t have to show them. Good deal if you can get it. I’ll take back my *pats your head* and instead *sticks out my tongue* as a more age appropriate gesture.
I’m so glad you voted. My husband hates salty tea.
Mr. Know-It-All is thrilled to know there is finally a female counterpart to share his infinite wisdom with. As I’m sure Madame Know-It-All is aware - it’s lonely at top of the intellectual heap!
Why, thank you, Jeff.
It is indeed challenging at times to be the be-all and end-all for everyone else, but, sometimes, it must be done.
That’s why I’m hanging up my Madame Know-It-All hat until next time.
Come back next Friday and see who’s next.